__missnsq.

2004-11-22T18:57:00.000+08:00

i've been upset for far too long and i should stop dwelling on it. i decided to be grateful for what i have.

i have a family; though not perfect but i HAVE one.
i have friends; to stick by me, though with my flaws.
though we quarrel and disagree. we love each other.

i dont need anything more. its time to smile and enjoy life once again(:

today i read all the emails i received before. it feels good to reminisce.

2004-11-21T14:08:00.000+08:00

yesterday went out with fadilah to onlynbuddy's open house. thought of going to the melayu girls house, well some of them. but didn't because it was too short notice. i just needed to get out of home lahh, de-stress.

his mum is superrrrr nice.
his dad is superrrr funny.
his friends are spunkayy.

it was a weird way to meet a new friend, go and raya at his house. but well, i think its better and safer. HAHA. since his family is around. his mum is super nice lah. she looks familiar too.

"are you his school friend?"
"haha, nopee. online friend."
"meet him before or first time?"
"no lah never meet before.."
"ehhh then he like that?"

[ my mum will just scream if i get my guy friends to come to my place. ]

he didnt know what to say to me, and perhaps it was awkward because we never met before. but after that started talking like normal. haha. oh wells. and his dad is superr funny lah! -looks at fad. his dad said to him while looking at me..

"eh this one your friend who got married
a month ago arr? where's her husband?"

"haha. not on good terms. HAHA!"

i just shook my head. lols- and after we ate and talked. i left around 5.

anyway i have a reason why i an typing this. because if my brother were to come across this. he will not misunderstand certain things. and well. assumptions. i just hope they stop assuming things. i just need to break free from my social circle and learn to adapt. i had enough of that phobia.

i was reading my brother's email to me.. "at your age. i never bothered about relationship. all i wanted was go out and have fun with my friends, watch movie. play soccer.. relationships will be part of your life as you mature."

yay. he rocks. i love him(: and the rest too. yupp.

2004-11-19T19:36:00.000+08:00

im all welled up in tears right now. i dont know why. i suddenly took my headphones after so long and plug it to the computer and listening to songs right now. i just wanna blast it into my ears and shut my ears to everything else.

i was browsing through my inbox. as i have a habit of keeping emails, i was looking through the email my bro sent me. when at one period of time we communicated through email. the period of time when i had GGR and was drifted away by that world. i read the email. and i dont know. i broke down. suddenly. it simply hit me, right there. and its. i dont know. it doesnt hurt. but. i dont know.

reading that, it somehow scares me how time flies. it feels just like a while ago i received those emails. but here i am reading those, thinking what the hell was i doing last time with my life. the immaturity in me. and how much i have grown from all those experience. and how i am still learning about life now. and it still goes on.

i dont know why i am all upset today. i read those emails. and the strongest thing that hit me.

Sun, 23 Feb 2003 01:11:00 +0800
Think deeply and ask your self the true meaning of life.
Look at yourself in the mirror and think why are you being born
to this earth and what is your purpose on this earth.
Trying devoting yourself to god and you will find your answer.
God is always there for you to confide in him and he is there
to show you the right path in life. You dont have to confide
with friends or anybody.

I realised that I wasnt there all the time for you and our family.
Marriage life is not easy and not so sweet as what you have always
seen when I am at mum's place.
Till today I am still trying to learn how to shoulder the
responsibility being a husband, father and brother.
I have never forget my duties as husband and son.
If you notice i am always trying to be a filial son.
Mum is the only parent that we are left with.
We can never know how much longer she will live, so we must always
appreciate her and try to be providing.

Lastly, dont worry about our family...
bcos deep inside me i always feel that
our family is always united and that nothing
can cause it to disintegrate.

i'm all tears.

2004-11-19T16:41:00.000+08:00

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LOOKING AND THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE. for today.

i am angsty. angry. irritated.

i wanted to blog in the morning but well, didnt get the chance to. apparently, i just want to say everything sucks. harr.

what else is there for me to say?

i spent yesterday on the computer and doing amath at night. well. i enjoy amath now. and i realise there's alot of things i never knew of. ARGH. and yahh. later at night sis's papers were missing. and it was last seen on MY table and i was the last to clear that damn table. so as usual i know accusations will be made, i just shut up and stayed in my room. couldnt sleep till 3 am. made plans to go out. but in the end i didnt.

sorry fad. sorry ifah. if i didnt join you people for movies today. well. people just make noise when i go out.

and sorry to my other friends who ask me out but i never seem to appear. argh. i have plans for every single day, but i choose to stay home. today suppose to go out with fad/ifah to movies, or meet up at tm to just hang out. but i didnt. tomorrow there's netball carnival to watch the cedar team play. apparently i dont know whether i am going. and tomorrow afternoon there's also plan. argh. and here i am stuck at home. hoohaaa.

"why you everyday go library? people holidays enjoy, you struggle with work"

I NEVER COMPLAINED DID I? and i wanted to go out but mum say "where you going?" and she keeps asking me that again and again repetitively, so i just said "YOU WANTED ME TO GO DOWN AND DO STUFF FOR YOU RIGHT? THAT'S WHY I AM GETTING READY." just what's with people. fucking broke right now. hana's gonna help me pay for the books first. gonna find way to get money soon. work? oh wells.

and yesterday i was sleeping, and eldest bro just switched on the light and started naggin non stop. he found a geog answer script of which i scored 23/50. and he was like how can you fail this yakyakyakyak. and the thing he commented "YOUR HANDWRITING LEGIBILITY IS NOT EVEN UP TO STANDARD"

what the fuck.

and i cant stand him complaning about how life is and such. i cant stand him talking back to mum. i cant stand him complaining when he does absolutely nothing. i give mum money to pay bill, yet it is not paid yet. mum paid his first. YOU'RE A DAMN ADULT LAHH FOR GOODNESS SAKE WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR BLOODY CONSCIENCE SCOLDING YOUR MOTHER FOR NOT PAYING YOUR BILL. mum asked why i never tell my eldest bro that because i complained to her about him.

SOMEDAY I WILL. regardless you're the eldest or whatever bullshit. if you cant treat mum right, you should just shut the hell up.

i seriously need my space to work and do my revision. BUT PEOPLE DONT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT. WHEN I GO OUT, IT MEANS IM WASTING TIME OUTSIDE AND MIXING WITH ALL THOSE BAD PEOPLE. rightttttttttt.

2004-11-18T13:57:00.000+08:00

and so i've been doing alot of self reflection. bahhh.

went to compass with sis, hrm, 2 days ago. and well we talked about quite alot of things. life. mum. bros. surprisingly. i was telling myself not to lose patience with her. and so we talked. and well. i felt better..

i havent thought much about family these days. im more concerned about myself now. -shudders. rushes of thoughts keep coming. but i need to start on my studies. real soon.

alright no mood. the heavy feeling. sucks.

2004-11-15T01:10:00.000+08:00

firstly i was not in the mood of raya. and now its raya. hah. it feels all cocky mann. i dont know, my mood was off. fuck it.

morning? i dont know it was alright. then i ate. dont know what the hell i ate and my stomach feels awful. and children crying was of course no help at all. ARGH. and abang hitting his kidd on raya, and sis in law crying at the same time with a kidd screaming and 2nd bro booming the tv like nobody's business. and you as the neutral party, a 16 year old kidd, HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU FEEL? would things be like that if dad was here. NO.

screw the damn world alright?

and so the day went by. more had to piss me off. especially the stupid burger king fella. by the time i got home i was too pissed to eat. took and food and ate in the room. locked myself. seriously i was feeling fucked up. but yet its hari raya and i shouldnt be showing it out.

while i was out i saw families going out together. i saw people smiling and feeling happy. but me? i was feeling fucked up. the tears kept coming because i miss having that experience altogether. today i donated some money to a lady i saw. i no longer care about how much cash i have. i dont care. i dont care how much money i get during raya. i dont care about all the nice food.

what i failed to see and get today, was the happy ambience at home.

despite the happy occasion, there was bitterness angst sadness in the air.

but i still have to smile and tell myself. at least i didnt lose anyone today. at least i have people at home. what about those who dont? im not spending my day in an orphanage so i should smile. im not spending my day without a limb or with an injury, so i should smile. i am not spending my day without food so i should smile. i am not spending my day without money so i should smile.

but i am not spending my day with a happy family. what should i do?

sigh.

2004-11-13T17:35:00.000+08:00

i was so not in the mood for raya. but when i woke up today and saw my brothers cleaning the house, i helped and i felt great. i felt that the family was there again. despite the fights that we have among ourselves, raya will cool our hearts, i hope. i pray to God that he softens their hearts, and bring peace to my family. Amin

i made many prayers today.
I prayed that God let my
dad's soul rest in peace.
I prayed that God give me the strength
to go through 2005 that will definitely be rocky.
I prayed that my friends will find
the peace within them, and not get all depressed.
I prayed that certain people will see the light, like I did.
I prayed that God will help me open up
my heart to lots of things.
I prayed that mum can enjoy
her old age soon and have less problems.
I prayed that my brothers will not fight
and there will be peace within.
I prayed that my sister will have a
happier life, rather than being stuck with all
those cocky men she's involved with.
I prayed the best for Fad, Hana, Ifah,
Mimi, Ash and Deena.
I prayed that God will help me with
all my friendships.

And lastly, i made the prayer. That God
will help him with all his life, because it wasnt
as beautiful as I thought, and that he's given
the energy to last till his aim is achieved.
He's my onlynbuddy(:

You know something? I've never seeked forgiveness from my family members since all the raya-s that i celebrated. shocking huh? I will tomorrow. (: i'm at ease. -smiles.

2004-11-12T01:21:00.000+08:00

i dont know whats getting into me. i am trying so hard to motivate myself. i try to tell things will be fine and that all i have to do now is just study hard. actually that's our only duty right now. study hard and then, we'll have all the money we want in future if we get there. true? at this age, or rather right now i dont want to burden myself with the commitment of relationships and stuff. and there's peer pressure to handle.

i know i can do it if i want to. i have big dreams. i still do want to be a gynae or at least work in a hospital. what will become or me if i dont achieve that? a teacher, i dont mind that. i gotta change my attitude which is so hell sucky. at the same time many other things pull me down. i wish i had a nicer family, tho they are wonderful enough. i just miss daddy. thats all. and how i wish things wouldnt be so cocky; the shop and eldest bro and all that shit.

i try not to complain, really. i dont complain about not having enough money, not getting to buy things others get. perhaps i dont see it as a necessity. my basic necessities are met. sometimes i dont know what the hell am i doing, holding on to a camera phone when it definitely defeats my purpose of using a phone. that was why i switched to 8250 for a moment. i dont know why i was given that camera phone because that was not what i needed. i dont need that to motivate me. motivations come within myself.

i try to get closer to God. i really want to. i need that peace. have been going to the library to read up as much as i can, i really think time is running too fast. i need to mug. i need to study real hard. i cant afford to fail anymore. really i cant. the things that keep me going? plenty of stuffs. i realise. the passion for netball, the pasion for gpa, the passion for debate, wont mean as much as seeing my wonderful grades for Os. are those gonna help me for Os? NO. bro was right.

there are so much more things to life, why do people of my age often get into depression for really unnecessary things? bro often say he knows what teenagers are going for. i know what he was getting at. relationships? yes. eldest bro said that its a moment of pleasure. i do agree. distractions and all. i know its unnecessary but we teenagers seek it.

kak arina has been together with hassa for qt some time. its amazing how she can share about her relationship with her family. i cant imagine if i had a relationship. i jolly well wanna share with my mum as well, but sighs- they detest relationships at this age.

future holds many promises. i can see all that.

2004-11-10T16:11:00.000+08:00

i seriously dunno what the hell was the commotion about. it was just about a damn brochure and yet? i almost went mad. send through ftp, den cannot receive. den send through email, suddenly 2nd bro say no need send. yadyadyayday. and babies crying and all that. GR.

i just feel so damn hell shitty right now. i dunno. rayer is right around the corner yet im like. -huh? rayer?- perhaps the fact that i am already 15. HARHAR. my juniors are still like super heboh about rayer. ack.

i dunno lah. i feel down. sometimes i wish my family would be more peaceful. i know, what's life without problems. but havent my family had enough? why are people so egoistic that they cant compromise? now im narrowing it all down to my eldest bro. sometimes i feel as though i have no right to comment on him cus im merely 15 and he's someone much older. but then again, we all learn from ppl older than us. i look at him, why isit there's so much that i cant agree with?

seriously. i hate it when ppl prioritise someone else over their mums.

i learnt not to.

and now im thinking about dad. how different it will be with him around. i really miss it all. but does anyone even know that? no. yesterday when i was at kfc eating alone. i remembered how dad would pamper me, feed me and all. yah i know i was young at that time. sum it all, i miss being a kidd. i dunno. suddenly i realise i cant break away from that feeling. i dunno when will i ever be ready to face the real world out there. will i survive? with so much fakeness and commotion over the stupidest things. ack. okayy i have no right to say that.

teenagers these days. shouldnt we be exposed to the real world? when abang said we are pampered. i think so too. no, not in terms of academic but really in terms of facing life. just how many teenagers are prepared? even tertiary education. im scared to face it. little things, and teenagers go complaining. when my friends cant get LV or Prada or Gucci, they whine. LIKE OH MY GOD YOU'RE JUS A 15 YEAR OLD KIDDO AND LV PRADA AND GUCCI DEFINITELY DONT SUIT THE PURPOSE.

they need a life.

okay. fine i shant interfere in their damned life cus i have mine to attend.

why cant eldest bro have a beautiful family.
why cant mum lead a better life at that age.

whywhywhy.

God gave us challenges and problems.

but why does it seem endless for my family?

why.

i so feel like crying.

2004-11-10T11:04:00.000+08:00

okayy i've moved from geocities. cus many ppl still go there and i need my space. i know i will still have ppl finding their way to this blog, but hell. not as much as the number to geocities. yupp.

ahhh. dunno why. ytd went to school. den i met fad. she treated to movies, princess diaries. not my type of movie larr. heh. then went to amk library. mum still not home so i went to eat at cp kfc. ack. i dunno why but these days i jus keep smsing bros of where i am. there's this feeling, which makes me feel good. hah. entah ah. -shudders

at kfc, i dunno. i was eating alone and thinking. -shruggs. i felt really lonely deep down. and there's jus this pang of melancholy. i felt down. real down. seeing families eating, breaking fast together. no, not that my family dun do such things. jus that i miss daddy. yeahh. real alot. i took bus home, and continued feeling sad. came home, read, and slept. din bother to dwell so much.

and its amazing still, that great number of friends you have, you still feel lonely. i dun like it.

2004-11-10T02:24:00.000+08:00

It feels so gila. i slept for so long!! >.< okay mama must have thought something was wrong. But I felt even more tired after I slept from 6am-6pm. Well. A long sleep dusen mean a good sleep? Heh.

The night before was on the phone. hope mama doesn’t think that’s my boyfriend –shakes head- why do parents and brothers get all paranoid when girls talk to guys? Especially my brothers. Wahh I still remember when I was in p6, I did badly for mid year exam and 3rd bro said ‘dah gatalkan, cakap ngan jantan kat telepon” LIKE WHAT THE HELL. I remember I was close to Joshua den, and we keep talking on the phone. OH WELLS. ASSUMPTIONS. And so now I’m a teenager, I suppose they are more paranoid then ever.

To my family here’s the confession

I HAVENT GONE OUT WITH ANY GUYS SINCE I ENTERED CEDAR

I suppose they are happy on that part-.- BUT NOT FOR ME. I only go out with guys, that’s when I meet my pri school mates lahh. To go out in group, no. -.- it has always been 24/7. I mean not that I mind being with girls but hey, my social circle is limited and my phobia of guys is like. Not control-able. I especially hate it when I help mama sell kittens and it’s a male customer. I’d jus go –oh god save me-

And of course fad is always my victim, helping me buy food.

“eh it’s a guy selling lahh, tolong aku beli?”

HAHA.

Ohwells.

Anyway, my flu haven’t go away. –sigh

I feel so proud of myself! While everyone was asleep I did emath PRACTICE on my own(: den after that I cleaned the house. Washed the cabinets mop the floor did dishes. Wahh I really feel like a –home girl- now. [ TAK MALAS! ] hahahah. I remembered bro saying “kau tu dah 15, big ordi noe! Tink you small kidd ah”

actually, quite true. I do feel old and my limbs should get moving and do work.

haha!

At 9am fad messaged me, asking me out. Ahhh. Contemplating cus mama might not be happy. But well. Dunno lah. Since she wanna treat me movies. Heh.

2004-11-07T19:56:00.000+08:00

was too tired after GPA taklimat, went to shaza's house after that, suppose to have the meeting with the sec twos. they had the meeting i fell asleep sampai kol 2, cus i promise mum i will leave by 2. shaza said i was snoring. hahahah.

anyway slept till night. home is so hectic that i cant seem to start on my work. with adam and natasha on normal days, how to study? and my stationaries are empty. gotta fork out money to buy them later. argh. and do i have a reason to study outside? no. eldest bro say that me studying in groups didnt show any fruit thru my end year exam. true. i needa study alone, with one person to guide me. argh.

woke up at night, ate and went online. talked with latifah and onlynbuddy. shaza message me about the voluntary work on 21st nov. yes i am going, heh. for one day. other than that. will be all about catching up with my work and GPA for the sec2s and debate. thats alot of juggling. and if i cant handle it, i'll have to drop one activity? hope not.

went to wash car with eldest bro.530am -.- talked alot, told him how i find it scary that in less than one year i am sitting for Os and how my career seem so near. told him i am considering temasek or nanyang poly cus of the biomedical course. but he said why did i even consider cus i should be heading to jc. i would very much want to and not that i am not even working for it. even if i wanna go poly, i wanna go poly with good grades. hrm.

talked about peers and talked about influence and all the temporary things in life. told him about jie, how wonderful she has been to me, motivating me and all. harhar and he said i shd tie jie to me to make me teach me for Os next year. it was funny how i could talk to my eldest bro about my friendship with fad and the melayu girls. my friendship with the nigs aka chikka nanny and farah. how i felt about school. how i felt about my own future. how i think its so stressful thinking that my life is going to get tougher as the days go by. i dunno. i felt more relieved cus at least there was someone i could talk to. and not jus talk, but listen to me. you know, its hard getting your opinions voiced out. especially to brothers who are SO much older.

i've been controlling my temper well. maybe before i was angsty perhaps cus i always wanted things my way. but well now i learnt. -smiles.

life will definitely be different if dad was here. i really miss him and i dunno why each time mama goes to the cemetery, those are the days im not free. but well, he's close to me, inside me. -thoughts of the past came back- oh wells. there's always a lil melancholy each time rayer is here. lain gitu.. it sure does feel incomplete..

talkin to eldest bro today kinda cooled me down.. i was angry at him for always making mum upset and stuff, for being hot headed, for being unreasonable. but times when he advice me and all that, soften me lahh. haha. he's still my abang afterall(:

definitely. my family is wonderful.

okayy. abang hisham needa sleep. im being so selfish. heh. i should get off right now! lolS

adios.

2004-11-06T21:00:00.001+08:00

GPA taklimat at NYJC, 10am
Meeting at shaza's house after that till 2pm
:) tiring, i havent sleep!

dont know what made mama upset, perhaps what happened during break fast? shudders- dunno what was wrong with anyone, anyway. eldest bro had burger instead, and second brother chose not to eat. oh wells. told mum not to bother anyway. shudders- seriously, mum's old. why cant she jus enjoy life at this age. and while i know quite alot of mums are enjoying life, why is she somehow, well. burdened with all the financial shit and crap? oh wells. God, pls be merciful x(

the challenges in life, especially that i know of this year, definitely made me grow outta my shell. perhaps i often question why things didnt go my way, but instead now i ask why God chose this way for me. dozens of mistakes done for the past year or so, im still on my way to find that path, i know im going at such a slow rate, and i know it worries my mum and my brothers. but i promise i will. bit by bit.

and sorry mama, you said i keep getting angry easily these few days. PMS! haha, tadaa, now i cant fast. hrm. the evolution of time scares me. retribution scares me. everything is scaring me. be it the present or the future. its scary how we havent face the future, yet we are already afraid of it. hahaha. weirdness of life.

as much as i grew, i grew along with my company of friends. the presence of fad chikka nanny farah this year, well definitely changed it all. chikka with her relationship and family and the rest of us with our own problems. i still dont know what we girls seek in relationships be it bgr or ggr. i really dont. and when brother asked "what your friends think of ggr" one year ago or so, i tink i said "oh most are okayy with it" and well, i choose not to comment about it now. sensitive topic, private thought(:

all that i know, life's unpredictable and its very short. all i want, is to grow closer to my family. so much happen to us in jus one year, i dont know why it all affected so so much this year. perhaps they cant see it, but well. i was. fad would understand, days when i would go to school crying about it all because i hated coming from a so-called-screwed family. perhaps at that point i didnt know and didnt understand how im suppose to react. but right now, i jus wish i could be a less burden to mama. i havent been the most filial or nicest daughter, the most obedient sister, the nicest friend, or whatever. but i do hope as i grow, the change is seen(:

no matter how tough life is, i'll keep going.
i wont ever think of stopping, like i did before.

2004-11-06T06:15:00.000+08:00

din update..

if only mama knew..

im sorry mama
but e eyeliner,
i wore it wen i came home
wen i was at home tt is
if sis saw, she'd realise i din havit
wen i got home frm sch
cus my eyes looked terrible.
i wasnt playin a fool outsyd.
if ony mama wud bliv
lyk bro owes said,

"u cause ppl make to make assumptions"

try so hard not to lie animor
but well, workin? i hope so..

im sorry if i started on make ups
n tt made u unhappy
e fact tt girls do it to
attract attention or wadever
but mama im still a girl?
somehow it adds to my confidence
cus i like e way i look
eee tt sounds bimbo,
but all i wear is,
powder eyeliner n lip colour
i'l stop if mama is rily unhappy x(

mama keeps reminding me
not to get a boyfriend at this age
_you've got loadsa bodyguards [my3bros. HA!]
well, since den i got that phobia
of the opposite sex [yikes!]
but i got over that,
shuders, i've started talking to them
but no mama, i know my limits
i promise.

nanny could share everything w her mum
i wish i could. x(

sometyms i wish i cud lessen
all e burden ur facin
im sorry mama, tt i cant do much
n im not doing u a favour either
with those results.

if oni you knew.
-sighs

i wanna buy more tudungs
so i will stop spending unnecessarily
i got bills to attend to, im still feel guilty
tt i didnt pay e previous month
but with so much to handle
my bill my school stuff
im gg broke x(
$15 for DNA, some new books
and well, i missed out on superteen camp
$50, i couldnt afford. nyehhh
but well, i did not grumble(:

now w no sch, i haf no allowance
unless i go to sch tt is,
argh. wad happens to my bill den?
-shudders

wad else can i say?
woke up late, 1027am
meeting was to be at 1030am
told shaza i'd be late
felt terribly sick
my head was throbbing
argh. hazimah said i looked
upset and sick
no i was not upset. heh.

and then there was work
GPA and debate,
to think now we're seniors
we plan what we wanna do
its tough, whole loada work
will i be able to balance it out next year?
i hope i will, i've set my goal

i read the email 3rd bro sent me
it was one year ago, how to set my goals
i know of the 4 places where i wanna go
i know of the things i wanna do
i know of the things i wanna achieve
and i'll make sure i work hard
and achieve it all(:

its gonna be tough
i need to set priorities agn
school and competitions
i noe dey will not approve
of my involvement in my CCA
well i dropped netball,
we gain some, we lose some
my longtime passion
and now its down to ml
but if i do well next year
CONSISTENTLY,
i spose its fine? (:

God pls help me.

2004-11-01T02:30:00.000+08:00

SCREAMS.
SIS COMING BACK TODAYYYY!!
-jumps for joy(: -smiles.
i miss her hell alot

happy bdae to malita&jkok! (:

today i thank God, for evryting.

e ppl in my lyf
mama&my siblings
tho i feel so pressured by em
tho they often scold me last tym
tho i always kena bully =p

tho at times ey insult me [ha]
but still? ey r dere thru&thru
weder im at my lowest or wad
ey din leave me alone(:
owes dere to pick me up

w their experience.
to my bros, i noe im deir oni lil sis

to mama, i noe im her last daughter
at tyms mama treats me lyka kidd
cus once she said i'l always b a baby
[but mama, i am growin up] -laughs
i owes rmb mama saying
'ehh u so big ordi, i forget
next yr u takin O's.'
ytd mama said
'ehh, u sobig ordi! i hafta lk up
wen i wanna tok to u now'
-laughs
n everyone's hopin on me
n me? i dwanna disappoint em
i love e tyms we often joke ard
n hav laughs tgd(:

my friends
fad -oftenquarrelyettgd=x
3years went by lyk tt
we gona mug for wad we wan
next year! (: ironically
we hate each other so much at times
dat i tink we wanna slap kick punch each other
alot of times we drifted and talk about each other
but in the end, we still make it up. (:
lovies-

jie&mei -so wonderful
superrr understanding
dere wen i needa ramble or cry (:

plenty other ppl. whoever's seen
me cry, i thank u loadies. for
being dere at my lowest. -smiles

e hardships tt I faced
families, friendships, studies
many at tyms i wana n attempted
to giv up wen i cuden take it
but i choseta hold on, n i madit thru(:
n e result? look at nsq now. -smiles.

the blessings that I had

n now, i hav no reason
to hav regrets(:

ytd i studied
//edit: i TRIED studyin malay oryt?
heh, yupp did a lil of bio. wooooots.
but quite slacky ler, hais. helped bro
wahhhh, e other day e contractors
took out e grill to fix e windows
hello its wrought iron n bro asked me
to help him fix it. DAMN HEAVY!!

"2years take d&t wad u learn?? u cant
even screw the grill!!"

i merely couldnt hitch e
screwdriver to e groove=x

ytd i talked alot!(:
//edit: talk to jie on e fone
wahh laff so much sia! she damn funi!
long talk abt some ppl
heh, interesting sia(:

den at nyt anoder phonecall
-heyyy. takkaire aights? -huggs
sorry ler my fone spoil
den mama angry i tok so much ler.

i slept early
2am someone ask me go online-.-
but fell aslp ordi, den 3am got call.
wahh. madd. anyhows i wrote another
set of reflections today! this morn i mean.
im gonna mug. mug. u noe.
e fact tt i din get scolding,
for my results [tho i noe ey were upset]
makes me feel more guilty
but den agn, im responsible for e results
dammit, 05 will be a busy year
-smiles, I M GONNA BUCK UP.

2004-10-29T21:08:00.000+08:00

im sittin here alone up in my rm
n tinking abt e tyms tt we'v been thru
im lkin at a picture in my hand
tryin my best to understand

nurulnadz WAS sad
//edit: it was the last day of sch ytd
did e auditions for e sec2s
went oryt, lotsa potential
was hyper e whole morn
till e enda sch,
i duno, i felt sad, down.
its lyk, i duno wad i did
m i spose to figure it out myself?
jus lyk wad everyone owes ask me to do?
y cant ey jus drop their ego
n stop bein overly sensitive

gedin my report bk
suddenly made me miserable
went to see ms leong,
i dun give a damn anymor

stayed in class n cried
i duno i jus broke down
mum called, wanna pick me up
but i dwana see her yet
w dose damn fucked up results
so wad if other ppl did worst
dusen mean i cant get upset over my own
hello, we all haf different expectations
i cant meet mine, im upset
so wads ur damn prob?
stayed in cls till ard 3+
wenta canteen n talked..

hey thanks for listenin to me
n jus listen to me ramble on
cus it was jus too much or stg.
but backta smiling now agn(:

went home. slept. til break fast.
den i slept agn til tis morn.
terrible migraine frm cryin
n i din wanna hear antg
from em aft seein my grades.
shudders- tired of it.

i still feel quite messed tho.

nurulnadz wana chge
//edit: i promised myself
it'l be different nx yr
viv said i was totally diff
e only way i can say of myself
for this whole year, shagged&worn out
wun for nxyr, i hope(:

nurulnadz is sick
dunno why larr. hrmm.
coming down w cough or stg
n havent been eating tt well
nyahhh. i still hafta mugg soon=x
for monday i mean, nyahah.
havent start ler=x

nurulnadz is wondering
how cld it e a lie?
i stil dun gedit, hrm.
disappointment, n i duno.
its jus lyk, whoosh its a lie.
argh. wads w ppl dese days?
n totaly cant get wad some ppl
r trying to do w wad they hav

nurulnadz smiles! (:
ahahaha, ber, its contagious!
lols, u smile until to wideeee-
ahahahaha. wads tt piak for? =p
wun see u til nxyr i spose, heh
i stil wana come for trg!
heck yeo lerr, i dun care(:
thanks ar, shoutin my name
e other day, miss me too much ar?
hahahah =p

nurulnadz has sorethroat!

i cant sing properly!!!
dere's stg wrong with my throat
i cant take low notes nemore
its lyk high now, n its awful!! =x
hrmm. saddening, but nvm.
hope it gets better(: (:

aights. im keeping my hair!
heh, suddenly i dun myn e curls
-smiles.

2004-10-29T05:05:00.000+08:00

ytd i smiled alot! (: (:
//edit: heh went to sch late
me elvis fad came at same tym
n we din take late slip
fad tot tt i sounded crazy over my sms-es
chikka tot i was freaky cus i keep (:-ling
farah said i was high cus i keep (:-ling
i dunno, it jus feels real gd(:
wen i went home, stg made me (: more
i opened my mail box [my letter box]
n i found this, a letter for me.
i opened it n saw this
i melted, n felt so happy, wanteda cry
cus i treat her real bad
dose who noe me, u shd understd(:
den saw this
stg simple n sweet
yet meaningful(:

ytd went for ml(:!
//edit: well. audition sec1s for drama n singing
was oryt(: cant wait for comps -smiles
tho i was taken outa netball, im living w ml(:
not tt netball dun matter to me,
i'll stil go down & train w non schteam nxyr tho,
i dun care abt mrs yeo dammit
-smiles. debate nx yr. so cant wait(:
sang for sharifah n made her sing tis

purnama mengambang cuma berteman
bintang berkelipan dan juga awan
siapa tahu rindu yang mencengkam
di hatiku
aku meminta pada yang ada
aku merindu pada yang kasih
aku merayu padamu yang sudi
merinduku
loveyyy, yet nice(:

well, they can b groomed(:
so brave to sing infronta e members
-pats on ur shoulders. *heh.

ytd i saw stg wrong
//edit: LOLS. it was my toilet mann
i went in, n it was ALL yellow
tot it was just me but no
my bro placed yellow cellophane
on e cover to make yellow light-.-
tot he wud cook stg nice
but his final product was NOT a success=p
wellwell, try agn harder. nyahahaha.

ytd nan said my cheek's chubby!
//edit: i screamed. omgomgomg.
LOLS. no. heck care ler! i got 4morekg.
den after tt i will go and runrunrunrun
lose all the fats! yeahhhh(: -smiles

today i told bro i was sad
i duno, wen nan&chik told me
i felt blank, its jus weird
it'll b incomplete, different lahh.
no more extra laughter n crazyness x(
told bro and he said

"why you care so much?"

aha, idiotic lahh.
today i feel hapy
//edit: smiles. -heh ohwells.
last day as a sec3, den its over!
finally. amath diagnostic test, cant wait
nyahaha. i shall mug for tt
n shall soon start on hol hwk
i surprise myself at the enda sec3
tt i was not like before, woots(:
e outcome is different, n agn
e story of 2005 wil b different.
my girls know tt -smiles
as much as fad loves this nurul,
i love nurulnadz as much! (:
ahahaha. u noe, it feels gd
seeing ur friends (: n feel hapy
spread e joy ard(:
-smiles

2004-10-27T18:41:00.000+08:00

ytd i pon school!
//edit: does tt spell trouble? heh
cus mrs ng called n i snored
i was chattin till ard 5, den i slept
oh wells, heck ler. heh-

ytd i slept alot!

//edit: tok abt slpin man
6am-11am
12pm-6.30pm
9pm-12.30am
ahaa, den i went online
n chat til now, ohwells
but yet i stil feel tired -yawns
ahaaa. n im hungryy! -pouts

ytd i checked my weight!
//edit: ahaa, drumroll*

i need to lose 4kg mor to reach 45!
but wells, i prefer being lyk b4
less tired, less sickly, hrmmm.
wellwell. heh, nvm. wana train up
flat tummy! -smiles.

ytd i smiled alot
//edit: e tags, e msgs, e sms-es
thanks ppl(: heh.
yupyup, nurul feels happy(:

"u noe how's nurul lyk?"
"a star"
"den sq?"
"a dejavu star"

hahaha. nurul. ahh. i like.

ytd i feel at ease
//edit: i read some religious bks
heh, feel better tho, aft long -smiles
n i was readin all my testimonials
ahaa, ended up laffing. n also
all e msn conversations, -heh.
u noe, i so wanna thank somebody
but apparently i duno how to
partly cus of her words, tt i changed.
but well, someday, i hope i will.
im thankful. it din go out frm e other ear
i know tt, God knows that, i hope u do.
-sighs.

lyf's less complicated now,
but still, i dwanna face
e real world out there
no, not this world,
THAT world. tt adult world
its so scary, im scared. hrm.

2004-10-26T18:30:00.000+08:00

ytd was fun!
//edit: i went townin w e girls
we wenta break fast at ps pizza hut
den walked all e way to orchard mrt
it felt so gd, i miss em aledi
funny how e connection's workin out
we kip driftin but we get tgd agn
i can b myself wen im w em
{incl e nigs}
u noe how it feels?
wen u dun hav to pretend?
-smiles

"i tink im a bitch"
"u r wad"

-laughs

ytd i was qt sad
toked w fad while gg home
hey girl, i dino wad made me
send tt msg b4 meetin u
jus tot u wud (:, heh.
n its been long, real long
since we went out
n today definitely felt gd
n thanks for listening to
tis nsq will remain,
n i hope tis tym roun
it'll stay(:

today i am smiling(:
heh, i started (:ling agn
-laughs all e photos we took
n all e rubbish im toking on msn
cracks me up, lightens my day

today i tot about 2004
2 more days, im done w sec3
tym to move to 2005
yes i am afraid of chges
all e workload n stuff
all e stress tt i wil face
i noe i'l brk down somewhere
lyk i did for this yr
jus hope i'l pick myself up(:
-smiles

today i realised how much i chged
heh. 02' began w nerdy nurul
tt girl whom everyone hated
whom ppl tot was dao
den i started tokin n made frds
e yr went well
my studies; just fine.
i trained hard for netball
e tears fell durin fastin mth
but thru it all, nobody wud understand
tt sense of accomplishment

03' e stress began wen i tried hard
to cope w schwork d all e emotions
streamin was all on my mind
n numerous tyms i broke down
tinking tt it wud not be poss
i tried to juggle everything but i failed
n i tot my future was messed up
den i rlise i gotta make use of it all
disappointment came along
netball, friendships

04' school was hectic timetable was messed
jugglin so many tings, agn i failed
emotions caught me, depression sank
friendships form, i found new souls
who constantly pick me up
but i was sucha rascal
skip sch, dun do hwk
friendships broke, ppl drift
family? strained..
i felt alone, lonely, down
shagged from all e tinking
but soon, i learnt to pick myself up
cus nobody would do it except me

nsq started with that pink blog
i went to school with pink bag
and now orange bag. despite all tt
i wud notice e emotional chges

its not about quarreling over someone
its not about getting the best results
its not about friendship probs
its not about the latest fashion
its not about how much money you've got>
its not JUST about all of that

and i know that. -smiles.

u noe, i rily miss being
n being called nurul(:

2004-10-25T21:37:00.000+08:00
mum, im sory i lied x(
ytd was hectic
//edit: i din slp on sat nyt
ended up slpin at 2pm
on sunday aftnn
but i woke up at 4pm

toking abt slp
actually it dusen matter
how many hrs u slp.
if u slp for long hrs
but ur mind aint at ease
u'l wake up tired
cus u werent in a deep slp
so it means?
dusen mean e longer u slp
e less tired u'l be
slp w an easy mind(:
yup. proven. (: {scientifically!=p}

i went out feeling tired
i walked til my legs cuden take it
i walked til i was all tired
i walked til my knees were hurtin
den i came home
n slept w/o a word
i was rily tired.

mum, im sorry i lied.
i din go out w my frds lyk i said
i went out cus i nida b alone
n tink of myself, n lyf
watever tt has been gg on
cus i was feelin down ytd.

i duno wad triggered e mood
i tot of different purposes
tt life promise each of us
ohwells. its a long journey

today i tot of beautiful memories
//edit: as usual, i tot of memories
to comfort myself, >
n make myself (:

i miss e tyms at pp mac
e craziness, e noise
wen happykidds wud make me (:
with e lil hearts dey make
with e rubbish ey say
n the tyms we talked
[me chikka nan]

i miss bein a sec1
evryday go home
studystudy n ntg else
sumtyms i wish
i duno wad "enjoy" means
so tt i wil jus study
get gd grades
n everyone at home wil b hapy

today i feel lonely
i duno, havin my social circle
restricted to an extent
i rlised how i lost touch
communicatin seems difficult
prolly cus mum nv wanted me
to get into relationships
i grew an extreme phobia of guys
i cdnt even haf a guy called friend
for fear, tt mum wud assume tings
does anyone noe how it feels?

nanny has a mum hu's different
she cud tok to her mum abt antg
i wished tt i cud too
even to e extent, im afraid
mum&bro wud tink of stg else
if she hears abt my onlynbuddy.
well. ey lyk makin assumptions
maybe cus i broke their trust once
or twice. or thrice. but i nid it back
i feel trapped w/o it.

but as much as we dun lyk
to b compared to other children
im sure mum&bro wuden wan me
to compare their way of bringin me up.
everyone's diffferent -smiles.

n agn, today i tot of
how much ppl mattered to me
my family, nigs, jie&mei
n all those ard me(:

-smiles (:

2004-10-25T01:18:00.000+08:00
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUU.
tt was to my dear jie
//edit: i love u loadies!
u'v been so gr8, so understanding(:
sory i havn been ard
wen u nida tok dese days
study hard for O's
jiayou -huggs

ytd was unproductive
//edit: i bummed ard, not doin antg
in e end, i slept in the aftnn
till it was tym to break fast
den i was on e comp
left w ntg to do -ergh
i wrote reflections
on how 2004 went by
hopefully, 2005 wud b beta(:
-smiles

ytd i chatted w onlynbuddy
//edit: crazy fella, as usual
ohwells, chatted e whole nyt
till ard 5am, he went off
n i went off. ate some buns
den i watched whitechicks
for e 2nd tym, boredom! =l
more movies to come

today i wana slack!
//edit: heh i havn slp since ytd
so i'll slp soon
spend sumtym on tis blog
kinda tiring, killing tym
i'll read some malay books
i dowan to screw my malay Os!
ahhhhhh -screams

today i missed certain ppl
//edit: i miss e nigs!
how worried we were gedin our results
tinking abt how to break e news
to e ppl at home, scared kena nag
how we tot of runnin away even 0.o
cus we felt too tired w all those shit
but we made it thru, n im proud(:

i miss fishmonger!
fishmonger i miss u!
heh. all e tyms she listened to me
wen i was all down frm e stress
wen lyf didnt go my way
wen i refuse to do stg abt it
but i finally did (:

i miss my sis!
ohwells. waitin for her to come bk
i dunno, wen i was younger
it din matter weder she's here or not
but now, i feel sad each tym she
cancels her flight.. -shudders
hoping for her arrival soon

i miss e four-some!
duno. i tot of my sec1 n sec2 days
wen e 4 of us wud do crazy tings
wen e four of us wud quarrel over
silly stuffs n e smallest tings(:
wen we wud go to town
n pray at al-falah mosque
we did it once, wen agn? (:
e crazy days at neoprint booth
heh.

i miss daddy!
5 years went by jus lyk tt
i lived 5 years,
full of ups n downs
unpredictable turns everywhere
overwhelming chges all e tym
but still i survived
n he's not forgotten
i wish i cud hav a moment
tt i cud hug him tight
n tell him i love him.
_sighs

but stil, lyf's stg i look forward to
every single day, every single minute(:
n like jie said,

"u dun nid ONE person's love
y brood over ONE person
wen dere r MANY hu wul love u
wad makes their love smaller den tt ONE person?
its jus u hu decides."

i love my brothers, i nv said it
mayb cus we're toking lyk buddies
but w tt level of respect
mayb i never appreciated wad ey'v done
mayb i was rebellious b4
but w/o em, it feels empty.
so much for bein "independent"
i dunno wat to do w/o them
i thank God for their presence(:

now that i know how to turn to Him
i can c e change in lyf
i see no reason y i shud stop
n brood over lil tings
why brood over tmr
when u hav today to settle?

till then. takkaire. muacks.

2004-10-23T20:22:00.000+08:00
ytd i was tinking alot
//edit: well. i was having e DNA course
[i love it btw -smiles.
n yes, i still wana take biotech in poly
tho i wana b in jc -heh]
3rd bro called, [i picked it up -.-"]
asked me abt my results
i told him anyhows, heh
n i went jb agn
with mum, eldest&2nd brother
we were tokin abt my results
n mum asked weder im depressed
over my pathetic results
i said no, n i said i wont
she said im not tis tym round,
i din get any scoldin frm 2nd bro
n 2nd bro said

"so big aledi wana scold wad
ryt frm e start i asked u
to b in a physics cls
but u chose ur destiny to b tis
now u ended up w tis rslts
did i ask u to choose tis?
no ryt? it was ur choice.
n u had e choice to go w the flow
or study hard, even tho ur in fnn.

u fail, u fail. im not gonna say much"

ahhh. for once it seemed bad
cus he dusen seem to care as much
it seemed like im on my own
choosing my own path
i've been tinking abt my future
for e past few days.
wad i wanna do, where i wanna go
-sighs. lyf seems tough
n im scared, ack-

ytd i was stuffed with food agn
//edit: 2 days ago
i was stuffed with spaghetti
yong tau foo, char kway teow
and dunno wad else lahh
ytd ate hotplate noodle
den came 2 large pizzas. omg-
i swear my stomach cud burst

ytd i fell asleep on jie agn
//edit: i feel so badd!!
she's been askin me to call her
for like 4 days aledi
n each tym i say i will call
at a certain time
i'll end up sleeping -ack =x
nyahhhhh

today i tot there was school
//edit: seriously i woke up wanting to go sch!
sheesh, cant belive oni a few more days
anw i set my aim for 05 -smiles
n i noe wad i wana achieve. woots!
well, we all survived 04; (:
it has been a crazy year. hah.

taken from kak shik's journal

"The first lap was the hardest coz you havent found your pace, you were merely following the speed of all the other runners. You feel lost, confused and everything is changing too fast for you to absorb. You encounter difficulty catching up with the rest but slowly, later in the lap, you gradually find the pace that you're content with :) Just like when we were Sec 1 :)

Second lap and you pick up pace.. You try to catch up with the rest. Try to fit in with the other runners, following their pace coz you have no reason to speed up or to slow down.. You're used to the rythm and you keep working at it. Just like we were in Sec 2.

The third lap is difficult. You're tired from the 1st two laps but you cant give up coz you're half way through already.. You're so close to giving up coz you cant take it. The pain is killing you but you see others encouraging you, the cheers and the person in you screaming at you to keep going coz you just need to finish this. You barely have time to enjoy the run.. It's just boom boom boom all the way. Doesnt that remind you of Sec 3?

The fourth lap and you're so happy that the end is nearing. It's just another 400m and it's over.. The pain will go away and you'll get to rest with that Iced milo in your hands :) But you move too fast.. you're anxiety to end just distracts you from feeling the groove and the power of the run.. You only realise it at the end, when you're reaching the end that heyy, it's over! Just like Sec 4."

how true -smiles.<
i cant wait for sec4
but its all too fast -sighs
n no, i reached the last lap
no way am i stopping -smiles(:

today i tot of my own lyf
i looked at where i wana be
in 10yrs time
i realise
dere's so much to do
in my 20s, but lack of tym
so much to achieve
but well, get over O's first
i dun care if im gonna mug lyk hell
but i will, i must -heh
nanny&fishmonger shall b my motivator
n i noe jie will owes b dere
seeing how shagged she was
wen i hugged her b4 phy/chem prac
felt sad, its been long since she smiled
hais, the damage of exams on students -lol

2004-10-22T14:53:00.000+08:00
today i started fasting
//edit: okayy finaly i cud fast(:
-smiles. ytd din slp
chatted w onlynbuddy [aka cyberboy]
haa! =p 7hrs of chat
n i left at 5am to eat
wanted to get ready for sch
but din feel well.

at 1pm went jb
shopped&shopped
n i swear bros&mum
wanted to explode
my small tummy w loadsa food
tsktsk=p but well
e ambience was nice -smiles

today i told bro my results
//edit: well i was in e car
stoning aft breakin fast
den he was tokin n sddnly i said
"dere's oni 1mor wk of sec3 lyf"
n he asked me in a shocked voice
"u pass or fail?!"
"i failed."
"huh?not promoted!?"
"mad lah. i am."

he tot i failed overall.
den i told him my results
cud sense the disappointment
"nobody asked u to play ard so much"
ohwells. i noe wad i gotta do.
wun brood -smiles.

today i feel happy(:
//edit: lyf's gedin back ta norm
msg chikka in e morn
n she was hapy, so m i (:
lyf finaly gg back to pace
its gedin steady, n its jus anoder yr
sec3 EYE stress is over
mor to come, but we'l handle tt
i finaly achieve one aim,
which i told fishmonger
"aft exams i wana lk back and say
-hey i survived"
n well, i did(:
although w bad results
tings wil work out -smiles.

2004-10-21T10:23:00.000+08:00
no, not anoder pink layout=p
today i tot of happiness
//edit: i'l sound selfish if i say tis
or i sound, [ fill in urself ]
but i saw e smiles
e happiness and joy
tt were mine
or shd i say. ~~used to be~~
but heyy. i got others
to give me e same joy.
today i reflected agn
//edit: jus got home, wenta self reflect
aint enuf tho.
currently wana b alone
no, not depressed. -heh.
tym alone, tts wad i nid -smiles.
today im proud of myself
//edit: i stil feel loved, n blessed.
i cant b animor proud,
cus gedin back on track
givs me peace. so much tt,
ntg seem to stop me
even tho i hav horrendous rslts
n it all seems sucky
i hav peace. and God. -smiles.
n i quit slouchin
finaly able ta lift my head
wenever i m doing photo shoots,
bro often say

"hu r u shy w? y cant u lift ur head?
n y slouch? be proud of urself"

n oso, i quit self mutilation
turning myself to Him
rather than e blade
or the pills. -smiles.

its so beautiful.
w so many ppl believin in me.
jie[u so rock. ilu so much.]
mei[sweetest]
n my darlings. who i love so much.
the nigs. hu helped me pull thru.
-huggles.

2004-10-21T06:02:00.000+08:00
chikka's bdae -huggles
ytd was an emotional day
//edit: i duno y i sent e emails
jus felt lyk crying..
msged jie e whole day
n she ended up in tears
din feel lyk i wana do antg
it was jus screwed
tot of e ppl i shdn b tinkin of
tot of e tings i shdn b tinkin of
i missed all my frds
well, i jus did
but ltr felt beta
n started ta (: -heh

today was a disappointing day
//edit: my results were horrendous
msged jie n someone*
comfortin? -shruggs
told #2, no amt of words wil do.
n at tis pt, i jus duno.

i try ta convince myself
of all e beautiful tings
n nicest moments in lyf
at tyms i turn to Him,
i feel better
but wen i choose not to
i feel lost agn
is it jus a form of
consoling myself
turning to Him
without any actions
is jus as well as
running from my probs?
well. -shruggs//

2004-10-20T03:16:00.000+08:00
currently in the sch lib
heh, feeling hell much better(: -smiles

anyhows, duno wad were the tears for
msg jie str8away
promised she'll be the first
and chik and the rest
-love ya guys
heh

whole day was jus bloody emo
jus tears. bleah-
hugged taz and cried
and deena laffed at me=p
now im back ta smiling
no mor tears(: -smiles

and yes. it all rocks- heh.

cheerie.

btw i failed chem.
wads new righty?
heh-

2004-10-19T18:45:00.000+08:00
today is 19 october.
ytd i hugged jie
//edit: saw her in the morn
b4 her phy/chem prac
din care if ms leong was dere
i ran across n gave her one big hug
she lk so worn out n tired
-hugggs miss her loadies mann
i was hyper but she lked sad
but brightened up her day! (:
she'l b e first to know
abt my rslts ltr
-cross fingers

ytd i was sad
//edit: saw my MT results, argh.
i swear, e 1st tym i get tt mann
i saw n i cried, cus tts not my grade.
ARGH. n emath. wanteda cry but din
bleahh. msg jie. cant face tmr mann
ss/geog, amath, chem
amath&chem
my 2 worst subjects
dunno, oder tings making me sad
tho i shdnt tink abt it
but i did
cant help.
but hey, -smiles
i got tings to smile for(:

ytd i sang
//edit: heh. aft sch stay back with #2
happykidd came along
thanks for attempt to cheer me up
heh. duno y din feel lyk stayin
left at 5, walked out
lonely. but stil, occupied w tots
in sch, sang all dose song
any tt came to myn heh.
needa break mann

ytd i reflected
tho im sad, i still hav oder tings
to be hapy abt. well. lyk?
i have frds. hu r dere.
all e tym. sumtyms we drift
but yet, owes dere
i hav a jie, who's ever so wonderful
pamper/treat me so gd
where can i fyn one lyk her?
e sweetest i can ever find
dere to tok abt antg anytym
how tym changed us, we noticed
i miss it most, e day we went out on v.Day
wen we got so sick of town
n wenta AMK inst. heh.
love u loads -mwacks.

i hav a mei, who's dere oso
wenever i nid her
tho i suck as a jie
n treat her oh so bad =PpP
kip drifting, but owes tgd agn
dere to crap laf n cry
loads hppnd, anger and frustrations
misunderstandings&quarrels
but lil tings tt make it all up(:

i hav e nigs
hu bring me loadsa joy
n owes dere wen i needa say antg
bitching&normal rants
rlshps or frdshps or family
jus anything. slacking or stoning
mugging or dieting or singing.
we do it all. -love u all loads.

oders. hu r dere
to listen to me wen im all down.
fishmonger, owes listen to me rant
n offer to sing me happy songs(:
deena, who always drift from me
but yet care n owes ard
happykidd&elvis, randomly make me (:
w all their rubbish n lil notes
twinn, depressing partners
yet make me happy n (: heh.
steph&han, always dere, no matter wad i do
weder its 4am or 4pm (:
midnytbuddy, all e rubbish during wee hrs
owes makin me smile & happy
n of cus Him, tho i owes drift
i fyn my way back n He's dere(:

wad more can i ask for? -smiles.
i feel so blessed (:

2004-10-17T21:46:00.000+08:00
ytd i controlled my anger
wen mama nagged at me
ytd i missed someone
mor den ever
ytd i was lazy
was online the whole day

today i wana do stg
i dwana b lazy
//edit: its tym i do stg productive
my muscles r achin
frm all e staying-in-bed
i feel lyka lazy bum!
well feels weird tt i dunida mug
getting results soon
oh boy sickening
i'll prolly b grounded
well. we'll see

today i chatted with buddy!
the insane fella

//edit: nv fail to make me laff
ohwells new found friend
makes me lk at lyf
frm anoder perspective
kong) lol. private joke.

today i tot of all my actions
n i got e answer

//edit: well most of e tym
we hav a choice
instead of whining
y dun we make gd use of it?
choice's a privilege

today i wrote down
my aims n goals

//edit: tot of the manymany tings
heh. felt gd(: 05 wil b gd i spose
-smiles so many tings to lk fwd to
hopefuly shaza's on abt nov
e graduation ting
i so wana perform
n dose kids wil b wonderful
n make me (:(:(:

2004-10-16T21:03:00.000+08:00
current music: outrageous, brit
ytd deena chatted w me
and i felt happy
ytd i thanked deena
for listening to me
ytd i woke up early
at 0745hrs
ytd i cleaned my room
and it looked neater
ytd i went out with fad
and we walked alot
ytd i was very vainnn
and was very minah
ytd i din eat much
cus i wana lose weight

today i chatted with
my midytonlynbuddy

//edit: we'r forever breakin
our chatting records
today went off at 0530hrs
was a nyt full of
laughter&dirty jokes
nv laffed so much in my lyf
ahahah -jagung&tauge-
*private joke! (:
-kong. LOLS.

today i tot of many tings
one of which is Islam

//edit: i tried to fyn peace
so i went onlyn and searched
on my own religion. feel better
aft readin some stuffs(:
-smiles.

today nan&me were high
we were simply madd

//edit: duno mayb before doomsday
i tink i'l b grounded aft results
ohboyohboy. -shrieks.

today jie msged me
and i felt happy

//edit: i'll miss u!
"ur lyk the best mei"
and ur lyk the best jie
i can ever fyn.. fyn u on mon
no matter wad. lucks*
-muacks.
today i tot of my lyf
and i smiled(:

//edit: jus feel at ease
tho its messed
im working thru it all
-smiles
cant get any better